Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Back to life
All Summer I have been dreading the day that my kids would head back to school. I knew that this year would be particularly hard for me since both of my kids would be in school all day long. And when I say all day long that's pretty much a true statement. My kids don't walk in from the bus until about 4:30 p.m., that's a long school day if you ask me. So when my kids started back to school last week it ended up being a really hard week. In a lot of ways it was even harder than I thought it would be.
I haven't made it much of a secret that I would love nothing more than to have more children. When the two I have came along they came easily (um, we weren't even trying, in fact we were preventing, ha!), and close together. At the time I thought they were too close (they're only 14 months apart), and that I was going to end up with 10 kids by the time I was 30 if I wasn't careful. So for a few years after Hallie was born we were careful. Very careful. But I thought when the time was right and we were ready for more that I could easily go back to being "Fertile Myrtle." But that's not what happened.
What has happened was a miscarriage followed by years of infertility. For a year or so I put off medical help. I don't know why exactly. It seemed to me that we have two children, so this has obviously worked before and we should be able to make it work on our own again, eventually. But eventually turned into too long. So I decided to really focus on having a baby and finally sought medical help. For sure that should work. But it hasn't. We've tried fertility drugs and we've done artificial insemination, none of which has worked. And unless you've been through this yourself I don't think you can imagine the emotional toll this takes on you month after month. It's so hard to spend so much of your month hoping and praying, and trying to make a baby only to be let down every time. It's exhausting. I always think "I'm okay" and then something catches me off guard, and I lose it, and give in to my sorrow. But that only lasts for a day or two, and then I move on, only to have it happen again the next month. And that's the hard thing. Every month you suffer the same loss, and go through the same emotions, and it's a horribly sad cycle. For that reason I've taken some time off of the baby making being my main focus. I have to. I'm trying to selfishly focus on myself right now and put some positive energy back into my soul.
I think there are those who would say, "you have your boy and your girl, you should be fine." But I can't express the heartache that comes with infertility, even when you already have children. I never wanted to do anything but be a mother. And I feel so lucky and blessed to be a mother, I have amazing, healthy children, and we have a very happy family. But we all feel the desire to have more children, even my children feel it. They want a baby almost as much as I do, and it gets really hard to hear them pray for a baby, and talk about what it would be like to have one come to our family, but not be able to give that to them. I've made them promise me that they will at least have 4 each so even if I don't get more of my own I can have a healthy brood of grandchildren.
So for a lot of reasons I feel like I've kind of lost my purpose in life. At least weekdays from 9-5 anyway. I got really excited about this blog and building a following, and worked hard to do that, enjoying every minute of it. But lately I wonder if there is real worth in that. And I'm not talking financial worth. I wonder if I'm spending my time being productive and making a difference. I'm not asking anyone to validate this. I'm just wondering if I shouldn't get a job or put my time into something more meaningful than crafting. My kids school schedule doesn't lend itself well to me getting a full time job. They go to year round school and have many times a year where they are home on break for three weeks at a time. And I don't want just any job. I want a job I love that pays me what I think I'm worth. Is that too much to ask? I always thought that I'd spend my 30's growing babies and taking care of toddlers, but that dream is feeling really elusive right now.
So I guess what I'm saying is I've been doing some soul searching lately. I feel like I've found myself in a lonely place and I don't know where to go from here. I promise I'm not depressed. I've never struggled with that. I just want my life to be meaningful. Sure I can fill the time, but I want to fill the time doing something worthwhile and meaningful. But until I figure out what that means for me I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing, and what I love. I'm going to keep going with this blog. It at least gives me something to do and helps me connect with other people. I am strangely busy. I'm still the primary president, that means that I get the privilege of being in charge of 100 something beautiful children at church every Sunday, and with that comes a lot of behind the scenes work. I've signed up to volunteer in each of my kids classes every week, and I'm planning on taking some sewing lessons, and maybe looking into a photography class. I'm even trying to exercise more regularly - no more "not enough time" excuses. Like I said, I can fill the time, it's just hard to fill the void of a baby, and some days I feel like that's all I've been trying to do.
So bare with me. I appreciate all the followers and readers I have, I'm amazed so many of you have stuck around. I promise to get back to crafting and cooking and doing the things I love while sharing them with you. Sometimes I think I stop myself from posting because I think about all of you, and I don't want to disappoint anyone. Weird, right? But it gets intimidating feeling like I can't even live up to my own expectations, let alone anyone else's. And if you read this whole post please consider yourself my friend, and thanks for being a shoulder to cry on. I've been doing a little too much of that lately, so I feel like it's time to turn off the tears and get myself a life. I'm going to do my best to make it a good one, the kind worth sharing.