Wednesday, October 7, 2009

M is for Murder

*Below is a lengthy and suspenseful murder story, filled with unintentional deceit and intrigue, I have arrayed the details in a lengthy, entertaining format for your reading pleasure. But should you choose not to read this lengthy tale make sure you check the post below for my giveaway. Because, who wouldn't want to adorn their ears and neck in pumpkins? I know I would*

Yesterday, under the dark of night, a horrible, almost unspeakable crime took place in my home.

Before I incriminate myself, let me take you back to a time, earlier in the day, in my pre-murdering hours, to when I was an unsuspecting, fairy- loving-mother.

Yesterday Dallas, Hallie and I visited Travis for lunch. We had a good time eating fattening gyros, my fave, and Dallas' too (did I say I was on a diet? FYI if I eat a bad lunch I have saltines for dinner, seriously, I had saltines for dinner last night and didn't regret the Crown Burger one bit-okay maybe a little bit). But anyway it's not the murder of the tasty, tasty various animals that it took to make my lunch that I'm talking about (I once saw a T-shirt that said Meat is Murder...tasty, tasty murder, but that is beside the point and rather morbid, if I lived on a farm I'd be a vegetarian for sure). On to my story. So we brought lunch to Travis at his office and ate in the conference room. My son Dallas has an eating disorder called, half-my-food-ends-up-on-the-flooria, if I suffered from this I might be as skinny as he is, but unfortunately most, if not all of my food ends up in my mouth, and quickly makes it's way to my hips.

I keep getting side tracked.

Okay so Dallas made a huge, huge mess on the floor in Travis' office and had to get out the vacuum and clean up his mess. Once Dallas was done vacuuming Travis handed him a dollar bill. Why? I don't know, to make Dallas laugh I guess, like he was the janitor or something. So then Hallie wanted a dollar too, and he handed her one as well.

After we left Travis, and his newly cleaned office, my kids decided they now had enough money to go on an unabashed shopping spree at the Dollar store. With a dollar in hand, they knew they could buy anything in the entire store, for some reason this appeals to them wholeheartedly (that is until Hallie told me later that the Dollar store is really a store full of junk, but on with my story). So in the car on the way to the dollar store Dallas and Hallie made a discovery, they keenly observed that Hallie's dollar bill had a capital M written on the side in purple marker. I was only slightly paying attention to this conversation as I was trying to navigate our way safely through the construction ridden streets that abound in Utah. So once we got to the store they each picked out something to purchase. Dallas wanted a toy sword, and Hallie picked out a princess ribbon wand thing, a perfect prop for her nightly dance recital. Problem was once we went to pay for these treasures Hallie realized to her horror that her pocket was empty, and there was no dollar bill to be found. With tear-stung eyes she began to panic, but I saved the day by telling her that I would pay for the baton, and her dollar had probably just fallen out into the car.

Once we gathered our Dollar store loot and returned to the car, we quickly located the missing M dollar. Hallie asked if she could keep it, but I told her she had to pay me back for the baton (a good lesson in responsibility, right?). So she reluctantly handed over her dollar and the kids began a conversation of what the M might possibly stand for, and what mysterious stranger would have defaced a real dollar bill.

We got home, and Dallas pretended to kill things while his sister danced around with her ribbon swirling baton (I gave her a few pointers on how to properly swirl the ribbon, not because I'm an ex-baton twirler, but because I took Polynesian Folk dance at BYU-Hawaii, so that totally qualifies me). Anyway we enjoyed the rest of the afternoon and evening, blissfully unaware of the crime that lay ahead.

So you know I'm an expert at dragging out a short story, and I'm about to do that even more because there is one more important detail I have to add here. Today Dallas had 3 of his 5 cavities filled. He had one loose tooth that the dentist wanted to pull, but it was crazy loose already, so in order to save on our already incredibly large dental bill, Travis pulled Dallas' tooth out last night.

Okay back to my story. So Dallas has now lost a tooth, and that means there needed to be a visit last night from the tooth fairy. And at our house that means $1 would be placed under your pillow in exchange for the missing tooth. In my mind I knew I had one dollar bill in my wallet, and could help the tooth fairy with her visit, should she need some extra cash, wink, wink. Problem was, through all of the exciting baton swirling and sword fighting events that occurred at our house last night I had forgotten that there was a very distinguishable purple capital letter M on said dollar bill.

After putting my kids to bed I waited for Dallas to fall deep asleep, and Hallie to come out ten times and ask for water, to go to the bathroom, and what she will be getting for her birthday next week. Once I felt it had been long enough for my kids to actually be asleep I waited anxiously for the tooth fairy's arrival. When she didn't come I decided I didn't want Dallas to be disappointed and thought I could put a dollar under his pillow for her, wink, wink. So I placed the dollar under his pillow and threw away his lost tooth (what do you do with them? I figure best to throw away any evidence). This morning I woke to cartoons as Dallas had waken up early and turned on the T.V.

I came out of my room, and said good morning to Dallas, completely forgetting about the events of last night. But then Travis came out and said good morning to Dallas, and asked him if the Tooth Fairy had visited him. Dallas proudly showed Travis his dollar and then came to find me. He showed me the dollar with the purple M on it, and promptly said, "this is suspicious" then he pointed his finger at me and said, "I'm on to you." I gave a nervous laugh and told him that lots of dollar bills had capital M's on them in purple ink, and I didn't know why that would be suspicious.

Then I sent him upstairs to wake up Hallie and quickly told Travis my big mistake. I took a dollar out of his wallet, wrote an M on it, and placed it back into my wallet. Problem was I also forgot about the whole purple ink thing, and I had written the M with a black pen. This didn't get past Dallas. I told him if he was so sure that he was on to me he should check my wallet to see if Hallie's dollar was still there. He did this and told me again that he was onto me because this M was written in black ink. Dang.

So there you have it. I murdered the Tooth Fairy with a capital M in deep purple ink, and got caught red handed by my seven-year-old-son. Today, for Dallas, there has been a loss of innocence that can never be replaced, an end of an era. All day Dallas has been coming up to me and shaking his head and saying, "this is suspicious, so suspicious." I keep on nervously laughing and acting like I don't know what he's talking about, but know that this boy is going to question everything. What's next? Santa Claus?

The moral of my story is this: don't try to help a cash strapped tooth fairy, just let her do her own dirty work, but if you do help her, make sure you don't use marked money, wink, wink.

P.S. Can you spot the M? Dallas did. And by the way, I'd call it blue ink, but my kids thought it to be purple.


Angela said...

Bummer! That boy is too smart for his own good.

Joy said...

You are hilarious. You really should write a book of short stories. I would read it for sure.

kelli said...

I've always really like you, Nancy. You're funny and charming.

Toria said...

you are so funny. This reminds me of the letters you used to write to me when I was at BYU and you were a senior! I need to pull those out sometime, because I bet I saved them in a box-o-letters. I love you and your writing style and your blog!