Wednesday, January 28, 2009

January 29,2008

It was exactly one year ago today that I found myself on a doctor's table hearing the words no expectant mother wants to hear, "There's no heartbeat." I found myself facing an unexpected miscarriage. I had gone to the doctor by myself, Travis had a meeting he needed to attend, and I told him I'd be okay to go by myself, and said he could just come to the next ultrasound. The following day he did come with me to the next ultrasound. After I had been told by my doctor that there was no heartbeat I called in a family friend for a second opinion, and was better prepared to hear the same news for the second time with Travis by my side. Then the day after that I went to the hospital to have the fetus removed from my body. I remember being so sad that I was going to the hospital to remove a baby I so desperately wanted to keep. Travis and I were both devastated by these events, but hopeful that we would soon find ourselves pregnant.

We are still waiting for that little baby. There have been three times this year that I convinced myself that perhaps I was pregnant only to find that I was wrong, and my period was only late. All three times came as a wave of mourning and sadness for the baby we have been desperately trying to create. People ask off and on how things are going, or if I am pregnant. Then when I say no they want to know if we've been to the doctor about it. And the answer to that is no. I haven't. I don't know why I've put it off, partly because of health insurance issues, partly because I haven't found myself compelled to do so yet. But I can say that I know finding fertility help is on my horizon for this year. I truly thought it would just happen, and am very surprised at how fast this year has come and gone with no baby for our family. My children ask often when we will have a baby and I just tell them that we need to pray for Heavenly Father to send us one, and so their sweet prayers, along with mine plead with the Lord to send a baby to our home.

I have been sick all week. On Sunday night I found myself awake at about 4 a.m. in terrible pain. I had cramping in my stomach and back. After laying in bed all day Monday I decided that about 8 p.m. I couldn't take the pain anymore. So I sent my kids to sleep at our wonderful neighbor's house and had Travis take me to the ER. There they did blood tests and a CT scan and said that everything looked normal, gave me some pain medication and sent me home. I felt a lot better Tuesday and thought I was getting over this, but found myself once again sick all night Tuesday, better Wednesday and sick again all last night. Actually it's about 1 a.m. and I've been in bed for the last 6 hours trying to sleep off the pain. I do feel a little bit better. We had our good friend Loren come over and give me a blessing with Travis. But as I lay in bed I thought perhaps this sickness is my body mourning the loss of the child I was carrying last year. I cried a lot tonight because of the pain I'm in. I don't think I've cried that much since the events of last year. It's amazing how much you take good health for granted until you feel sick. I'm truly hoping and praying to feel better tomorrow.

I have found in my life there is often a silver lining or ray of hope, even amidst pure sadness. Last year my friends Stephanie and Liz called the day I found out about the miscarriage to invite me to California to go to the play Wicked with them for my birthday. I can't even explain how much that helped me through the pain I was feeling. I still find myself in tears when I hear that soundtrack because it carries so many emotions of what I was going through at the time I saw the play. This morning I found out that my sister Becky successfully delivered her baby boy. I am filled with complete joy for her and hope that my future holds the same successful delivery of a healthy baby.

For the most part I try not to think about having a baby. I have found that the sadness is unbearable at times and does nothing to help the baby making process. But about two weeks ago I was over at Becky's house and she was showing me the new clothes she had picked out for her unborn child. I found myself overcome with unexpected sorrow, and had to sit down to catch my breath and numb the pain that I have tried so hard to mask this last year. I have also found that I've gained quite a bit of weight this year, and though I blame my bad habits and lack of exercise, I know there are some emotions tied to the eating. The only silver lining I can find to the sickness I've had this week is that I've lost five pounds.

I really shouldn't write blog posts late at night, they are usually silly or sad depending on my mood. Tonight I'm sad, but feel that I want to acknowledge what this last year had been like for me. I try my best to post happy events and leave out the sad ones, but this heartache is real and I hate to imply that life doesn't carry some sorrows. But I truly have hope in the gospel. I have hope in a Savior that died for me and felt my pain. I have hope that he hears and answers my prayers, and that one day a child will come to our family and I will truly appreciate the miracle that a baby is. I believe in miracles and know that I am not alone in this pain. It's amazing to me how many friends of mine and how many women of my generation have also suffered with fertility problems. I don't think I truly understood the suffering until I experienced it myself. I only hope that the suffering will make the joy even more wonderful when we do have a baby.

Another thing I have discovered this week is how amazing my husband is. Sometimes the only nice thing about being sick is being taken care of by a loving husband. He took off work all day Monday to help me and the kids even though I tried to get him to go. I'm glad he was there by my side when I needed him most, and know that when I am sick he suffers too. I also know that I don't bear burden of this fertility issue alone. He has felt every sorrow that I have, and it has brought us closer together. I'm going to bed now with hope for a better tomorrow, and a heart full of gratitude for family and friends who love me, and are there for me through all of life's sorrows, sickness and emotions. Thanks for being the shoulder I needed to cry on.

18 comments:

Emily said...

Sleep well, Nancy. Feel better. I bought you a present today -- I don't even know how the idea got into my head, but I did!

Jennifer Woodbury said...

Your post brought back so many of my own emotions from the past. Just know that the suffering DOES make the joy that much sweeter once you finally have the baby you have so longed for in your arms.

Mandy said...

Love you Nancy.

Courtney said...

infertility and miscarriages suck - it doesn't matter how many healthy, happy children you have. this post made me cry and made me wish i was closer or that really there was anything i could do.

Sarah said...

I'm in tears reading this post. I am so sorry you are suffering. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

elizabeth winsby said...

Oh Nancy. I am so sorry for what you are going through. After Maddie was born we really wnated a third. But after having several miscarriages and finding out that I had hypothyroidism which makes it very hard to get pregnant we just decided to stop trying. It took a long time but we are now content with our decision and I know that if we are meant to have another child it will happen. I will keep you in my prayers. I hope that you are feeling better today!

Toria said...

I love you Nancy! I love that you are real and you are silly, but that you have a sensitive side. I don't love that you are sad and hurting AND sick and I'm sorry for that. You are in my prayers and you are one amazing mother that I know you will be blessed. I can't imagine what you're going through, but I wish I was there to do something to help lighten things up. You are amazing. I hope 2009 brings blessings along with all the change!

Katharine said...

Oh nancy. Your post made me cry. I can only imagine your pain. After being so close with someone who has struggled with wanting a baby and it not happening I can only say I am sorry. You are in our prayers. Feel your feelings and let them come. If you push them away they will just resurface later. It is so hard. I just want you to know you are loved by so many. The Lord knows the desires of your heart and all will be made well in his time. I can't wait to see you up in UT. Hang in there. Your in our prayers.

hendywow said...

I can't believe it's been a year, I hope you're feeling better this afternoon! I'm bringing Enchilada's over tonight.

Jacque said...

this post has me teary. i hope you soon have your prayers answered and know that He is aware of your every tear. love to you!

Becky said...

Nancy, you should have called me. The Bagleys ended up not really needing me until Tuesday. I could have come back to help you. Hope you figure out what to do to cure the problem. The symptoms kind of sound like gall bladder, are you sure they really took that out? Hope you are feeling better by now. I am sure this will show up as Becky commenting, but it is really Pam on her computer.

Tami G. said...

Love you Nance.

Austin said...

Feel better, Nancy. You're a fantastic Mom. Hopefully I'll get to see you all soon.

DJ said...

I'm so sorry you're grieving, Nancy, but I'm glad that you were and willing to share your experience. Hang in there!

Steph said...

Nanc! I am glad we talked after you wrote this post...funny how that exact morning I was thinking about Wicked when Blake was having me search for a song in the car. Every time I hear that music I think of you and Liz and how great it was to be with you guys during those tough times! You are amazing and you will be blessed! Love you!

I am with your mom...are you sure they really took that gal bladder out?

Liz said...

Nance..really I never thought I would hear a post like this from you. You are always the shoulder we all lean on. I have leaned on all of you for 6 years now and I can say that it is a good part of what helped me through the pain and disappointment each time. Please know that we are all here for you and understand the pain you are feeling. You know as I do that he will bless you in His time. Be patient and have faith and know that he is always aware of you and your desires!!! I love you and wish you didn't have to go through this. I wish we could have another trip to the theatre or the city! or maybe the bahamas in our mumu mamas!! I love you!!

Sarah S said...

Nancy, I read your blog and don't always comment (sorry, I know it's lame), but I know how awful infertility/fertility issues are - it took us four years to get pregnant with our first son. I went to a reproductive endocrinologist, who did an HSG test (basically checks to see if you're fall. tubes are blocked). I got pregnant that month - the doctor thinks the test helped flush out small debris and opened things up. I'm not saying this is the magic answer, but I did find it worthwhile to see a specialist and get things checked out. We waited a long time to go in though because Ben was in grad school and my insurance covered none of this.

Maybe this is a dumb comment. But I just want you to know that I've experienced the pain of not getting pregnant too - it is so, so hard.

Jill Bagley said...

nancy,
im so sorry to hear all that. i think you are such an amazing woman. YOu have so many gifts and talents.
im sure that the lord is somehow using you with those gifts and talents to bless the lives of others rather than bearing children right now. it seems like everyone i know that is not having children is like an angel sent from heaven.i dont have anything smart to say..
i just think your so awesome and i wish we lived closer!!