It was exactly one year ago today that I found myself on a doctor's table hearing the words no expectant mother wants to hear, "There's no heartbeat." I found myself facing an unexpected miscarriage. I had gone to the doctor by myself, Travis had a meeting he needed to attend, and I told him I'd be okay to go by myself, and said he could just come to the next ultrasound. The following day he did come with me to the next ultrasound. After I had been told by my doctor that there was no heartbeat I called in a family friend for a second opinion, and was better prepared to hear the same news for the second time with Travis by my side. Then the day after that I went to the hospital to have the fetus removed from my body. I remember being so sad that I was going to the hospital to remove a baby I so desperately wanted to keep. Travis and I were both devastated by these events, but hopeful that we would soon find ourselves pregnant.
We are still waiting for that little baby. There have been three times this year that I convinced myself that perhaps I was pregnant only to find that I was wrong, and my period was only late. All three times came as a wave of mourning and sadness for the baby we have been desperately trying to create. People ask off and on how things are going, or if I am pregnant. Then when I say no they want to know if we've been to the doctor about it. And the answer to that is no. I haven't. I don't know why I've put it off, partly because of health insurance issues, partly because I haven't found myself compelled to do so yet. But I can say that I know finding fertility help is on my horizon for this year. I truly thought it would just happen, and am very surprised at how fast this year has come and gone with no baby for our family. My children ask often when we will have a baby and I just tell them that we need to pray for Heavenly Father to send us one, and so their sweet prayers, along with mine plead with the Lord to send a baby to our home.
I have been sick all week. On Sunday night I found myself awake at about 4 a.m. in terrible pain. I had cramping in my stomach and back. After laying in bed all day Monday I decided that about 8 p.m. I couldn't take the pain anymore. So I sent my kids to sleep at our wonderful neighbor's house and had Travis take me to the ER. There they did blood tests and a CT scan and said that everything looked normal, gave me some pain medication and sent me home. I felt a lot better Tuesday and thought I was getting over this, but found myself once again sick all night Tuesday, better Wednesday and sick again all last night. Actually it's about 1 a.m. and I've been in bed for the last 6 hours trying to sleep off the pain. I do feel a little bit better. We had our good friend Loren come over and give me a blessing with Travis. But as I lay in bed I thought perhaps this sickness is my body mourning the loss of the child I was carrying last year. I cried a lot tonight because of the pain I'm in. I don't think I've cried that much since the events of last year. It's amazing how much you take good health for granted until you feel sick. I'm truly hoping and praying to feel better tomorrow.
I have found in my life there is often a silver lining or ray of hope, even amidst pure sadness. Last year my friends Stephanie and Liz called the day I found out about the miscarriage to invite me to California to go to the play Wicked with them for my birthday. I can't even explain how much that helped me through the pain I was feeling. I still find myself in tears when I hear that soundtrack because it carries so many emotions of what I was going through at the time I saw the play. This morning I found out that my sister Becky successfully delivered her baby boy. I am filled with complete joy for her and hope that my future holds the same successful delivery of a healthy baby.
For the most part I try not to think about having a baby. I have found that the sadness is unbearable at times and does nothing to help the baby making process. But about two weeks ago I was over at Becky's house and she was showing me the new clothes she had picked out for her unborn child. I found myself overcome with unexpected sorrow, and had to sit down to catch my breath and numb the pain that I have tried so hard to mask this last year. I have also found that I've gained quite a bit of weight this year, and though I blame my bad habits and lack of exercise, I know there are some emotions tied to the eating. The only silver lining I can find to the sickness I've had this week is that I've lost five pounds.
I really shouldn't write blog posts late at night, they are usually silly or sad depending on my mood. Tonight I'm sad, but feel that I want to acknowledge what this last year had been like for me. I try my best to post happy events and leave out the sad ones, but this heartache is real and I hate to imply that life doesn't carry some sorrows. But I truly have hope in the gospel. I have hope in a Savior that died for me and felt my pain. I have hope that he hears and answers my prayers, and that one day a child will come to our family and I will truly appreciate the miracle that a baby is. I believe in miracles and know that I am not alone in this pain. It's amazing to me how many friends of mine and how many women of my generation have also suffered with fertility problems. I don't think I truly understood the suffering until I experienced it myself. I only hope that the suffering will make the joy even more wonderful when we do have a baby.
Another thing I have discovered this week is how amazing my husband is. Sometimes the only nice thing about being sick is being taken care of by a loving husband. He took off work all day Monday to help me and the kids even though I tried to get him to go. I'm glad he was there by my side when I needed him most, and know that when I am sick he suffers too. I also know that I don't bear burden of this fertility issue alone. He has felt every sorrow that I have, and it has brought us closer together. I'm going to bed now with hope for a better tomorrow, and a heart full of gratitude for family and friends who love me, and are there for me through all of life's sorrows, sickness and emotions. Thanks for being the shoulder I needed to cry on.